Kevin loved to "read." He would look so engrossed in whatever it was. A lot of the time he would flip through and find people in the ads and tell us who he thought they were. In the ad below he pointed to it and said, "Mommy!" He had a sly grin on his face so he knew he was being funny.

A few weeks ago I started seeing a new therapist. One that specializes in some of the issues that I am dealing with.  I don't think it is any coincidence that my "funk" started around the same time. I call it a funk, but it is depression.

I have dealt with mild to moderate depression since my teen years. Anxiety was and still is big part of my life as well. In my teen years is when I started to put on weight. I always knew that I used food as a drug. My therapist has explained the physiological response to food that I was taking advantage of to control my feelings.

So it goes a little something like this: I have anxiety about something- it can be anything. My mind is going a mile a minute and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I don't know what to do with myself. I eat. The simple act of digestion triggers my brain to have feelings of calm. The anxious feelings die down. I have read a lot about food addiction and how the body reacts to certain trigger foods- sugar, wheat, fat, salt, etc… But I guess I never realized that I was using the natural and simple act of digestion to control my anxiety. The brain is funny that way.

I am learning many useful ways to come to terms with how I deal with my feelings. Basically, I can't run from them. I can't use food to make them go away. It works temporarily, but just makes things worse in the long run. I am learning to be in tune with my body and pay attention to when and where I feel certain things. Concentrate on the part of my body where I feel it and just focus on it. Don't run, don't eat, just focus.

At first I thought this was kind of stupid. Here I was in the therapist's office sitting in silence concentrating on my shoulders because that is what felt really tense after talking about a certain event. I sat for probably a minute or so and really focused on the uncomfortable feelings in my body and waited to see what would come of it. My first instinct when I feel anxious, depressed, or uncomfortable with something is to make those feelings go away. Makes sense, right? Why keep those things around any longer than you have to. I am learning if I really concentrate on those feelings and not worry about getting rid of them that I can overcome it.

For example, a week or so ago I was feeling very anxious. I wasn't sure why. Often anxiety strikes me and I don't have a particular reason, it is just there. I sat down, closed my eyes and really focused on my physical body. Where was I feeling it? Did my arms feel numb? Were my legs tingly? Was there a part of my body that felt calm or neutral? My feet. Ok. Let's concentrate on my feet.

Instead of running to the refrigerator to calm my anxiety and trying to make it go away, I focused on it. Made friends with it, kind of. Hung out with it for awhile to see what it was going to do.

My therapist is really good at picking up on my physical cues. She seems to know when I am talking about something and we need to stop and take note of how my physical body is reacting. I have told myself that I am not upset or anxious about certain events because I don't want to be upset or anxious about it. But she can see by my physical cues that it is something that I need to come to terms with. It can be something as simple as crossing my arms or shifting the way I am sitting on the couch.

She asked me to describe how I felt when I am feeling depressed. I feel the very opposite of when I am feeling anxious. My mind is very slow and sluggish. I worry about nothing. Physically I feel like I am wearing one of those lead aprons that you have to put on for an x-ray- but my apron is a full body one.

I am learning how to not spend my time at opposite ends of the spectrum. Being anxious is at the high end and depression at the low end. Somewhere in between is where I need to be.

My weight has stayed the same for about three weeks. I am still following the same eating habits, but I have not fully committed to exercising. I have signed up for a 5k in April and am "training" for that. Progress is slow, but it is there.

It is hard to let myself believe that this could really be it. This could really be the path to coming to terms with the anxiety and depression that has plagued me for years. I have to stay the course and trust the professionals that know what is best for me even if I don't always believe it.

Ava has two new favorite things: a damp washcloth that she drags around everywhere and cardboard boxes. She loves to get into the kitchen drawer with all of the dish towels and play with them. Makes her downright giddy.

I try to sit down with her and play with her toys. I even put them in the cardboard box.  She gives me a look like the one in the first picture, crawls off and does something else.

I think it is a sign of extreme intelligence….Yeah, that's it…

This is what happens when you accidently let the F bomb slip out in front of your 10 year old. No worries, I was not angry or yelling. More like the Schwan's man was at the door, I was busy and out of nowhere I said, " Oh, F*@#!" Emily insisted that I be punished…..

Our Sophie has a problem. I am afraid it will start to affect her self esteem if we don't do something about it. Can't you tell by this picture how concerned she is?

See, in the winter Sophie refuses to go down the stairs out to the yard. We have this obnoxious cast iron spiral staircase that the previous owners thought was a great idea to put in. Clearly they did not have pets, kids, or a sense of style, but I digress….. So she just goes out on the deck and does her business out there. Yes, it grosses me out, but what can I do? In previous years she would go down the stairs as long as they were cleared off, but this year she flat out refuses. It seems her neurosis about things are getting worse, lucky us.  Apparently, a few months of no exercise leads to an obese dog.

You have heard about Sophie's ass on fire dance. Well, she also has an ass on fire run. She will do laps around the yard at full speed for no reason at all. It is like she channels her inner greyhound. It is truly hilarious to watch and I am guessing it was the key to her trim figure.

So what to do? I thought about having a chat with her, but she is deaf and I don't think I know enough sign language to get my point across. I mean, I know she doesn't want to look like a sausage on legs, but is she willing to do the work to get the weight off?  I am hoping once it warms up a bit she will be more willing to use the stairs and won't make me have to let her out thru the garage every time she need to go outside- because, well… that sounds like a lot of work.

We could try the treadmill… or I could take her for walks. Nothing like walking the neighborhood with a stroller, a deaf neurotic Boxer, carrying a bag of poo…..

Maybe I can convince Matt that we need a new deck and we can put a ramp in for Sophie…. Ok, that makes me giggle just thinking about it.

I won't get into what happened with tonight's dinner other than to say I had good intentions and the chickens will enjoy a tasty(to them) treat tomorrow.

Our chickens turned two this past week. Kevin was so excited the day that we got them. They arrived in the mail and he was so curious as to what was in the cheeping box.