Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Saturday, September 8, 2012
I have decided that Emily has asked me enough times to update my blog. I took a little break, not on purpose really, just kind of happened. We have been making some changes, new job(for me), new house(moving in 6 weeks or so), Ava turned three, Emily is now a 7th grader….
I will leave you with a picture of the Kruses standing inside a giant fish. Why? Because it's awesome.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
As the rain pounded the windshield this morning, I couldn't help but think what was going on four years ago almost to the minute. Kevin was put in my arms and left this world. My life was seemingly over and I was in an amount of personal pain that I will not ever find words for. It was primal. It was raw. A mama without her baby.
Four years later, I am humbled and grateful that our family has survived. In fact, we are doing well. We are happy, peaceful, and I am so proud of all of us.
When I think about the scary statistics of failed marriages involving parents of children with medical problems and parents that lose a child it seemed that we had a lot working against us. I can totally see how a marriage could fail under either of those circumstances. To be completely honest, I really believe that it was Matt that held us together. I went through some really rough times- we all did. He held on, knowing that I would come out of it. He had faith and trust in me, faith and trust that I didn't have in myself. He helped me get on the right path to love myself as much as he does. Our marriage is in a really great place and I don't see that changing. We are a team, in this together.
I find myself thinking about Kevin and the gifts he gave our family in the short time he was here. He gave me a huge lesson in selflessness. I learned very quickly that nothing was about me anymore. I now know with certainty that happiness comes from performing selfless acts everyday. It can be as simple has holding the door for someone, or being a courteous driver.
He also taught me that I have very little control over anything. Bad things happen. Life sucks sometimes. There is nothing I can do to stop that. The more I try the more miserable I will be. Relinquishing control means I accept what comes our way, good or bad. I know that we will get through it, no matter what happens.
Remember this, that very little is needed to make a happy life - Marcus Aurelius
Most importantly Kevin taught all of us simplicity. Finding the extraordinary in the ordinary. I remember sitting in Kevin's hospital room a few days after he was born. I was thinking about how I would give up anything if we could just go home as a family. I hold on to that thought to this day. We are still a family and nothing else matters. Cars, houses, material items- none of it matters. We are together, we love each other, that's all there is.
When you love someone greatly, there is often great loss. That's the way it works. I just never expected the great loss to be one of my children. But it was, and I find comfort in knowing that our intense grief is due to the fact that we loved Kevin with everything we had. The bad days I have are because I loved him so much, and the bad days are okay. They happen and probably always will.
Even though I still miss Kevin with a fierceness that only a parent could, I feel like we are healing. We are living life with meaning, purpose, and love. We are able to take the horrific experience of losing a child and learn from it. Grow from it. We realize that life is short and there are no guarantees for anyone. We continue to cling to each other and know that the love we have for each other will see us through. Any other outcome is not an option.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
This picture of Kevin and his Grandpa was taken four years ago today. We had no idea that in less than a week Kevin would be gone. I am so thankful that he was happy until very near the end. He was happy, he was very much loved, no regrets.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
This week is a crazy one. The schedule includes, 2 track meets, 3 track practices, 2 soccer practices, 2 soccer games, 2 softball practices, and a band concert. And that is just Emily. There is preschool, doctor's appointments, and maybe some sleep in there somewhere. Oy.
My sister-in-law is in town for the week. I enjoyed going to the Children's Museum with her and my niece Emma. We have a few more things planned for this week while they are here, I am so glad they made the trip here to see everyone.
I have started exercising. Not because I want to, of course. Rather I hit the dreaded weight loss plateau and it pissed me off. I went 8 days and did not lose one pound. That was enough to get me on the tread mill and order a Jillian Michaels video. Emily wants to do "Ripped in 30" with me. While I have no doubt she will be ripped in 30- I just hope to be less flabby in 30. Hopefully not dead or maimed in 30.
I did have Matt remove the scale from our home. When I first started this food/life plan, weight loss was not my goal. I was on a path to end the shame/guilt/depression that comes along with food addiction. I can honestly say the last two months have been fantastic(minus the first 10 days of detoxing). I feel great, the weight is coming off, and I am no longer in the dangerous cycle of binge eating/ guilt/ shame….. I found myself weighing myself more and more and becoming disappointed if I didn't lose enough. What I realized is that it will never be enough. I could lose 5 pounds a week and still beat myself up for not losing 7 pounds. I have a habit of finding fault with everything I do and I self sabotage anything that I may be successful at. For some reason being good at something scares the daylights out of me. So when I start losing weight I look for reasons to discredit it and find fault with myself. I decided that I can no longer concentrate on the numbers on the scale. I know if I follow my food plan, remain abstinent from the foods that trigger the dangerous behavior of food addiction, exercise according to plan(45 min a day), the weight will come off and I will eventually settle into the weight my body wants to be. I am working on the other stuff in therapy- accepting myself and accepting that it is okay to be good at things and be successful.
I ordered a bunch of meat from an organic farm yesterday. I have not been a vegetarian for quite some time now. It is difficult for me to follow a balanced diet that will eliminate my cravings without some meat. I figure it is healthier to eat some meat and maintain a healthy weight than being an overweight vegetarian. I weigh it and only eat organic/responsibly raised livestock. I still eat a plant based diet, but I do eat meat, not a lot though.
I need to go find a new place to put the automatic air freshener I bought. It goes off every 36 minutes and Pancho has kittens every time he hears it. Maybe I should leave it.