Thoughts

In general I have a strong belief that things happen how they should even if we don't understand why. I can say that and it sounds good and all, but sometimes I have a very hard time with the understanding part.

A mother saying goodbye to her child seems so unnatural, so out of order and hard to make sense of. Yet it happens everyday. The pain from such an event is unfathomable. So how does one go on? Good question. For me, I didn't see many choices. I could either wallow in my grief, which I still do on occasion, or I could try to enjoy the life I was given despite the hand I was dealt.

I see mothers yelling and smacking their kids at the store and I want to scream, Don't you know how lucky you are? You have all your kids, they are alive and with you! But I don't, I keep pushing my cart and remind myself that they are on their own journey in life and I am on mine.

Humor has been a saving grace for me. It may seem weird, but I love that I have the ability to laugh at how pathetic I can be. Matt and I laugh and make fun of things often, I think it is how we survive. As I was putting ornaments on the tree and holding back the tears I said to myself, "merry effing Christmas everyone." It made me smile. What are supposed to be such happy times are often the most difficult for me- sometimes it just helps if I say the F word and move on. There is a time and a place for the F bomb, you can quote me on that if you like. And don't worry, most of the time I say it to myself and not out loud.

I am not sure what this post is about, I am just feeling all mixed up and out of sorts today. Trying to understand why things happen the way they do and why good people have really bad things happen. Why mothers have to say goodbye to their children. Why my daughter had to have such a harsh reality handed to her at age 8. Why my husband no longer has a living son. I know, good effing times, right?