We used have them all over the house, little reminders that is. Slowly they start to disappear. I no longer find his pacifiers under furniture or in cabinets. The days of finding a stray Thomas train or miniature tractor are gone too. If I do happen to come across something it is like finding a little treasure.
A few weeks ago Emily cleaned out her toy box for the first time in a long while. There was a Little People from Kevin's bus in there. I almost didn't want to find it yet. The more I find now the less will be there for later. There will be a time when all physical reminders are gone, like he wasn't even here.
There are other reminders too. We still get mail for Kevin. At the beginning of 2009 we got an insurance card for him. I had Matt call and let them know that he was no longer on the plan. You would think they would know this since they had been called numerous times. Instead of taking Kevin off the plan they sent a plethora of pamphlets on depression. Really. Yesterday our insurance cards came for 2010. One for me, Matt, Emily, Ava, and one for Kev too. I thought about calling, but I didn't. I liked seeing all of our names together. For a moment it was like he was here and we were a normal family of five. I think I will take those moments when I can even if it seems sad and weird.
I have a hard time throwing away things that have Kevin's name on it. I still have some of his meds in the fridge. Every time I clean out the refrigerator I contemplate throwing them out. I look at the bottle, run my finger over his name, and put it back in the door where it has been for the last year and a half. I am not sure when or if I will be able to let go.
I imagine all of this is part of the grieving process. There will come a day when I can let some things go and be ok with the reminders slowly disappearing. I will be ok with looking through the storage totes of Kevin's things if I need to have physical reminders of his presence. Will that be next year? Five years? Ten Years? That just seems like too much to think about right now. For now I just treasure the moments when I come across a little reminder because I know, in time, they will be gone.
1 comments:
For some reason I can't comment on the videos of Kevin dancing, but I can still so imagine him dancing in a diaper with his skinny legs and looking around so happy and Dawn giggling in the background.
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