Tis the Season

On Sunday morning we dragged the tree out and prepared to have a perfect morning of putting the tree up as a family so we could, you know, create a few pleasant memories for Emily. Upon opening the box we noticed a peculiar ball of what looked like yarn. I then saw the mouse poop…. Apparently, mice decided to take up residence in our Christmas tree box which was on the top shelf in the garage. I guess the little buggers can climb. I high tailed it to the kitchen in case a mouse decided to scare the bejesus out of us and hop out of the tree. It didn't help matters that the cats were very interested in the tree. So the tree got put up with out any mice jumping out , no swearing at the lights, and I managed to hold back the tears as I put up Kevin's ornaments…..Success!!

Later we headed to Joanna's for dinner. She has been on bed rest for a week so we all pitched in to cook a feast.

My dear husband put the fruit, cheese, and veggie trays together.. who knew?

*Please note the large bandage on my mom's head.

While it would be far more interesting to tell a story of how we all drank too much and there was a drunken brawl, you can clearly see that she is perfectly sober. A much more plausible story would be that she tripped on the front porch and face planted on the concrete. Don't worry, we made fun of her the whole night. Here was our solution to covering the wound.

I don't think Ava would mind giving up her headband for such a good cause. Oh and excuse the bad picture, my camera is on the fritz. I managed to break a waterproof, shockproof, supposedly unbreakable camera. My new one should be here tomorrow. I can stop verbally abusing my old one due to it deciding when it wants to flash.

A good time was had by all, even dear old Brutus.

Sammy and The Panch

Every once in awhile our darling pets stop torturing one another and do something cute, like lay together and pretend they like each other.

Oh My…

I think Matt was channeling his inner Marge Simpson… just sayin'…

Left Unattended

So I may have left Ava for less than a minute while I ran to the bathroom. Maybe this is why there are warnings to not leave your child unattended. Ava wasn't bothered by it that much, I mean if she were screaming I would not have taken time to take a picture because that would be kind of mean, right?

Random Pictures by Emily

It is always a surprise when I download pictures from our digital camera. Emily loves to take pictures and video, lots of pictures and video. I have, on occasion, downloaded hundreds of pictures of beanie babies in various poses. And no, I was not the least bit irritated. For the most part her love of photography makes me smile and on occasion she takes some insanely good pictures. Here are some from the other day.

The Holidays

Why is this holiday season different than the last? Kevin wasn't here last year either. It was a "first". The first Thanksgiving and Christmas without him. So shouldn't that have been harder than this year? Well, it wasn't. This year sucks. Xanax is not an option, four ounces of organic wine in between breast feeding sessions won't do the trick either. I want to crawl into bed and not come out until January 2nd. And New Years brings a whole different set of issues... I'll write about that later...

It all starts around the beginning of November. Emily's birthday is first. Kevin's is four days later. My baby would have been four this year...hard to imagine. I start slipping. Going to the places of grief that are not pretty. The places that only someone that has been there too can understand. I look ok on the outside, I function, I laugh, I take care of the kids. I make plans for the Holidays, only plan to go to the places that I feel safe and hope no one else is offended. Matt sees it happening, the sliding, that is. He does the dishes, washes the clothes and changes diapers- he would probably breast feed if he could. How did I get so lucky? I feel so undeserving.

I wonder how long this will last, the dreading of the Holidays. I love my family and getting together with them. I don't want to hate Thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to snap out of this. But Kevin is gone, and never coming back. That knocks the wind out of me, still. At family gatherings it is painfully obvious that he is gone. I see all the other little ones running around he is not there. He was just a little boy that wanted to grow up like everyone else, and he died. He was cheated, we all were.

I also wonder what I would be buying Kevin for Christmas. I imagine him loving Leggos, musical instruments and remote control tractors. His laugh and excitement would have warmed our hearts, we would have been so grateful that he was with us. But instead I have videos. Videos of him opening up a singing Elmo. Videos that I will treasure forever.

What the hell is wrong with me? I have a new baby, beautiful and healthy. I have a 10 year old that is also beautiful, sassy, healthy, and smart. And my husband, well, I cannot do him justice with words. We have a nice house, food on the table, and clothes on our backs. I got to spend two and a half wonderful years with Kevin before he died. Why can't I just be grateful for what I do have? Why must I bitch and complain about how rough I have it. Clearly there are people that have it much worse. I don't have the answers...

I will get through the holidays just like I do everything else. We will eat soy turkey, stuff our faces with pie, put up the tree, open gifts, and visit with family. Hopefully you won't find me in the garage partaking in the little bottles of liquor that I may or may not hide in my purse.

Busy Weekend

Shopping, Game of Life playing, movie watching, breakfast making, New Moon seeing busy weekend. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now it is time for bed.

Fridays with Kevin

Last weekend I was cleaning out the cupboards and came across a bottle of pink and white heart sprinkles. I had forgotten that they were in there. As soon as I saw them I smiled at the memory of Kevin playing with them for several days in a row. He would do things like that- play with everyday household items rather than his toys.

This picture was taken just a few weeks before he died. He looks so happy here with the sprinkles and the other things he decided to haul around that day.

Four Months

At 4 months old Ava:

- is still exclusively breastfed, in fact she will only begrudgingly take a bottle,gagging and choking like you are trying to poison her. If I have to be gone for any reason she will take a few ounces and then hold out until I get home. It would be easier if she would take a bottle, but I usually don't have a reason to be away from her, so it's not a big deal.

- is approximately 16 pounds. We weighed her on our scale, her well visit isn't for another few weeks.

- is able to roll from back to front at which point she screams until someone comes over and rolls her back.

- is very vocal. She "talks" a lot and belly laughs when she is tickled.

- is NOT sleeping through the night. She still wakes 2 times to eat. It's really ok though, she is sleeping in our room so I just feed her quick and she goes right back to sleep.

- is skeptical of anyone but mama and daddy. My sister and mom are ok because they look enough like me. She gets upset when I leave for any reason- I know it is only because I am her feeder...

-is able to grab her toes and play with her feet. She has also tested out the excersaucer and jumper.

Ava is the happiest baby around. She rarely cries and her smile really lights up the room. We spend our days playing, eating and napping together. I try to get dishes a load or two of laundry done here and there, but mostly I catch up on the weekends. Happy four months baby girl!

I Was Wondering When It Would Happen

Emily now cares what she looks like. The days of messy hair, mismatched clothes, and dirty faces are over. This morning she woke me up to straighten her hair for school. She wears "skinny" jeans and tall boots. For now I am grateful that she is modest and wouldn't even think of wearing anything questionable, but I am sure that time will come.

It's Monday

It's Monday and the expression on Sophie's face says it all. I did manage to shower before lunch time so I will consider today a big fat success.

Friends

Kramer and Teddy enjoying the view.
Pancho often snuggles up to anyone that is available for a little extra warmth.

Too Cute For Words

Fridays with Kevin

Kevin at 4 months. This was his first professional picture and one of his first trips into the "outside world".

Out and About

I am trying to figure out this whole blog thing. I am attempting to bring myself into the 21st century, which, let's be honest, could take awhile. In the meantime here is the fam out and about.