The First 20

So I am down twenty pounds. I actually met that goal last week, but wasn't in the mood to talk about it.  I find that I am struggling with the behavioral aspect of all this much more than I thought I would.

Yesterday I skipped breakfast so that I would be able to eat more at lunch. I was having a rough day and wanted the comfort of eating 1,000 calories all at once. And when you eat like I do 1,000 calories is a lot of food. I realize that even though I consumed 1,700 calories for the day(I added this up after the fact as I do not calorie count) I am still displaying troubling behavior that needs to be addressed.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to serve perfect meals, pack perfect lunches, and have the perfect shopping cart at the store. I get irritated at Matt when he puts Gatorade in the cart….. I tell him it ruins the Zen of my cart.

Matt is really trying to help me be easier on myself. If I am too overwhelmed to cook it is ok to have veggie burgers. It is ok to not have a made from scratch meal every night. I won't be considered a failure if I throw some tofu hotdogs in the microwave with a bag a steamed veggies. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Part of being open about losing weight and the way I choose to do it involves worrying that people are just waiting for me to fail. Like I will get caught at the gas station with a candy bar in my hand. While I am positive no one will catch me doing that(I don't like candy bars) I can't say that I won't slip up. I can't say that I won't revert back to my old behaviors and self destruct. I can't say that I am perfect and will eat perfect all the time because I am not and I am sure I won't.

Sometimes the reality of the situation is overwhelming. I have a lot of weight to lose. I have a long way to go before I can consider myself healthy and a recovered food addict. It is a lesson in patience. Losing 1-2 pounds a week is hard to see as progress. I think that has led me to fail in the past. But I tell myself that the weight loss is just a side effect of leading a healthy lifestyle which is the ultimate goal. A one pound weight loss is not a failure. It is a small step towards the place where I need to be.

I wanted to reward myself with something after the first 20 pounds. And no, not with a big piece of chocolate cake.  So I bought myself all new underwear… I know, exciting stuff. Next up will be new jeans, I think Matt is getting tired of looking at my butt crack every time I sit down or bend over.