Week Four: From His Perspective

I thought it might be interesting to have Matt write about what this journey has been like from his perspective. I didn't tell him what to write(even though I wanted to) and I did not edit this at all.  I am down one pound this week- nothing for the record books but progress none the less.

 

I've known Dawn for almost 12 years and we've been married for almost half of that time. For most of those years, I have seen her struggle with her weight, diet, and food.

I have had a hard time understanding the problems that she has faced over the years, because I can't relate to exactly how she feels or what she deals with. I have been pretty thin for most of my life, and I think my natural tendency is to be that way. It's not something I have to work hard at. So, it's not something I'm particular "proud" of, nor do I think I have any insight into how to deal with food issues. For me, it just is. I was almost 50 pounds overweight at one point in my life, but I realized it, and corrected it along with some diet and exercise advice from a friend. It was a matter of learning the correct mechanics and habits, and implementing them. It was just a matter of choosing to do it and making the changes. But I don't have an issue with food. It's not an emotional issue for me. It's not tied to past experiences. It's not complicated. The logical, structured approach to losing weight worked for me because I didn't have these underlying triggers. That's not the case for Dawn. Each person has their own unique angle.

For me, my issue was (and is) anxiety. I dealt with it for a number of years, but the difference is that I could hide it. No one needed to know of the struggles I was dealing with, because it wasn't obvious to the world. Food issues are visual and obvious to everyone because it obviously is directly related to a person's weight. Think of how many problems other people deal with - alcohol, anxiety, smoking, drugs, gambling, online addictions, etc. They can all be hidden. Your coworker or relative may have a crippling problem in their life but you may never know because it's not visible. With food issues, you can't hide it. it's all on display for the world to see and judge. And people do.

Society can be very judgmental of people with food issues. They're assumed to be either not smart enough to figure it out or just too lazy to do something about it. Yet when someone goes out for a smoke at work, do you make the same assumptions? That they are just too lazy to do something about it? I think the perception is different. And it just adds an additional layer of difficulty to the problems that a person with food issues is already facing. People can be hurtful. They offer advice when it isn't asked for. They point out the person's weight, as if they have somehow never noticed every day in the mirror. They shy away from buying clothes, as if the person would or should be ashamed by the size they wear. They can suggest different food choices when eating out, as if the person doesn't realize what they "should" pick.

It seems like there is a stigma associated with food issues. People seek therapy for many kinds of addictions, difficult life situations, or past traumas. But it seems that people are less open to the idea of seeking therapy for dealing with food issues. As if the person should be able to just fix that with a little work if they really tried hard enough. It's easy to underestimate the psychological driving forces behind the actions, and not realize that issues with food are very similar to other problems that people face. Dawn being open with her struggle and facing it head-on takes a lot of courage. It's equivalent to an alcoholic standing up at a meeting and saying "My name is X, and I'm an alcoholic", but doing it to the whole world. That takes real courage and an inner drive to make a change.

Dawn is one of the most strong-willed and determined people I know. When we went through all of Kevin's issues, she did more, understood more, and devoted time to Kevin to a degree that is admirable and amazing. She was extremely disciplined in making sure Kevin had every bit of help he needed. She never missed a feeding. Measured everything she needed to. Monitored every bit of nutrition he got and made sure it was what he needed. She sat there and fed him, watched him puke, then fed him again with determination and a never-quit attitude. This is absolutely a part of her personality, but for reasons that she is starting to unravel, she has had a hard time applying that same determination to herself.

Over the years, I've seen Dawn go through multiple diets and approaches to maintaining a healthy weight. Atkins, Weight Watchers, lemon cleanses, severe calorie restriction, etc. Even when I thought they were the wrong approach, the only thing I could do was to support her as she went down roads that I suspected were destined to fail. Sometimes people need to find their own way, in their own time, on their own terms. Sometimes it takes a bunch of false starts before a real long-lasting change takes place. I think this is human nature, and we've probably all done it in our own areas. You just have to be patient with the people you love and stand by them as they go through the false starts. Even if it takes a long time. She tends to be kind of an all-or-nothing personality, so from my perspective she has thrown herself fully into a number of things, but just picked the wrong things. She needed to find the right fit for her to throw herself into in order to get the results she was seeking. And it was never just a diet or a strategy for eating healthy. It was coming to terms with the psychological aspects that were behind her issues with food, and the physical addictions that she had acquired over the years. It was impossible for her to put into practice the logistics of healthy eating without facing the root causes.

Dawn is very smart, a very good cook, and knows a lot about food and healthy eating. It's not a problem of ignorance. She is better informed than most. I'm always surprised by the amount of information she has stored in her head. People may disagree with some of her conclusions, but few could argue that she lacks information and facts. I've rarely seen her have difficulty with knowing exactly what she _should_ be eating and doing, but rather having problems overcoming the physical and psychological connections that she has with food.

Dawn has made slow and lasting changes to her eating habits over the last couple of years. From going vegetarian, to experimenting with being vegan, to eating more organic foods, to eating more plant foods, to eating as much of a natural, plant-based diet as possible. These are all small changes and experiments to see what works. What clicks. What might help her face the challenge.

Some will certainly see her approach and think it is "drastic". And it may be for most people. But when you've dealt with a problem for more than a decade and you've tried different routes, and you've come to know yourself, you have a different view. Sometimes drastic actions are what is needed. If someone has a long-lasting problem with alcohol, there aren't very many people who would recommend a subtle change to moderate their alcohol use. Watch any type of intervention or recovery program, and they are not that way. They are "drastic" and they completely remove the problem. People lose friends and change their lifestyle in order to control their issues with alcohol. With food, it's not so straight-forward. She has to continue to eat, and she will always be faced with social situations where food is involved. So it gets complicated and very difficult. If adopting "drastic" new changes to her life is what she needs to get over the the hump and face her struggle head-on, then that is what she needs to do. She has the determination and drive and stubbornness to follow through with changes that others see as "drastic" if she believes in it and thinks it's what is needed for her. In time, she will probably learn to arrive at a place where moderation works. But the goal and the path to the goal are not always the same.

Dawn's changes for herself have also had a positive impact on the family's eating habits. She is a fantastic cook, so she has been able to find and cook delicious meals that are much healthier than what we used to eat. I have continued to evolve my eating habits from what I would call "not terrible" to what I would consider now to be healthier than most. I am not a vegetarian, but I generally avoid beef and there are many days when I do not eat meat at all. I eat many more fruits and vegetables than I did years ago. We eat out less often, which is good for both our health and our finances. We make Emily's school lunch most days as a much healthier alternative to the school hot lunches. Although she has flexibility in making her own food choices, I am happy that through Dawn's influence she instinctively makes much healthier choices than most kids her age. She loves vegetables, has a cucumber/tomato/vegenaise wrap on a high-fiber tortilla most days, drinks no soda, eats almost no candy, and considers dairy-free vegan ice cream to be a tasty treat. There is no doubt that she could still be a healthy girl even if she had more of the eating habits of many kids her age, but it certainly can't hurt to be learning really good habits and learning to try and enjoy so many options that many kids don't ever even get exposed to. Dawn sees the importance of not passing her food issues on to Emily, and she is doing a great job of giving her a good start to a life of healthy eating. Hopefully her acquired tastes and habits will influence her adult eating habits as she makes her own decisions and decides how she chooses to fuel her body.

Personally, I have to admit that I struggle sometimes with our eating habits. I am generally a fairly healthy person, and I maintain a healthy weight through moderation in my diet, eating mostly good stuff (with some "bad stuff" thrown in), and trying to stick with regular exercise. For me, it is easy to have snacks in the house because I don't eat them often, but they are nice to have once in a while. I love pizza and would tend to over-stuff myself once a week or two, then balance it out with good eating for the next few days and a few hours of running. But in order to be supportive and really help Dawn in her struggle, I have to adapt my habits to be in line with hers. Me refusing to change my habits would be like a husband of an alcoholic refusing to remove all alcohol from the house because he wants a drink every so often. It would not be creating an atmosphere that is enabling of change. So despite my natural tendency to manage my eating in a different way, I try to stay open-minded and try whatever helps her. Though I may crave nasty Mexican food, I will gladly have a tasty stir fry.

I am incredibly proud of the steps Dawn has been taking lately to face her issues head-on. As someone who sees the struggle far more than anyone else (but surely not as much as she deals with internally), I can say that it is a much harder battle than most people even recognize. Although she writes here on her blog, I know she is hesitant to broadcast her feelings and let people see too much of the inside. It's a significant step to acknowledge a problem and be open about it. Especially one that may provoke judgment or ridicule or misunderstanding. I think she's doing a great job and she's on the way to making life-long changes that will positively impact her health. I hope she continues to stay strong, that I can stay supportive in the right ways, and that she will ultimately achieve the kind of change that she is really looking for!