Cloth Diapers: Take One

I decided to give cloth diapers a shot. Why? I don't know… just to be different and one of those moms. Truthfully, I think they are stinkin' cute and love all the designs you can get them in. They seem much softer and natural than their plastic feeling counterparts. And I won't have Elmo or the Cookie Monster staring at me every time I change a diaper.

Supposedly I will save money, but the initial investment stings a little. I ordered four diapers- 3  organic all in ones( just what they are called, everything is sewn together) and one pocket diaper- which I have yet to figure out how to work. I want to see if I will actually stick to it before ordering enough to cloth diaper full time.

Now, I just need to figure out what to do if she, you know, goes to the bathroom in one…..

Spring Break

Emily started spring break today. I am so grateful that the weather is nice and she feels inclined to play outside. Not that I don't love the girl but so help me, if I hear one, "I'm boooorrrred" today I might make her clean out the chicken coop.

We went to the grocery store this morning. Actually three stores. Because I can't find one or even two stores that carry all the things we need.  I have convinced everyone to eat natural peanut butter, you know, without added oils, salt and sugar. But, there is only one brand that is acceptable and Target of all places has it. But Target doesn't have the jelly we buy or the rice noodles, so we paid Hy-Vee a visit too. But it has to be the one on Utica Ridge because they have the tofu that we like and the biggest selection of organic produce. But Hy-Vee doesn't have the tempeh that I like so we go to Greatest Grains too. I think I might be what is called a high maintenance grocery shopper. Or maybe just an obnoxious grocery shopper. Whatever.

Greatest Grains is my favorite.  I wish I could figure out what their hummus recipe is. I am considering applying for a job there just to get the hummus recipe. Seriously.

Tomorrow night Emily will head to her Grandma's for the rest of the week. She will get to spend some time with her cousins and have all sorts of fun. I will miss her but I am glad that she gets to spend so much time with her cousins. That's what spring breaks are all about.

I got a package in the mail today and it was baby carrier number six. I got this Ergo carrier. Don't worry I didn't spend that much on it. I bought it on BabySteals and got a great deal.  I hope it will give me a little more back support and Ava will be comfortable in it. I think I may list all my other carriers on Ebay or maybe donate them to some moms that want to wear their babies but can't afford a sling or carrier.. yeah, that is a better idea.

Ava aka the magnificent turd, aka the nipple biter, has been in prime form in the past few days. She climbs everything.

This toy, which she is supposed to push, doubles as a device to push up against things and climb. What you don't see in this picture is Ava trying to climb up on the chair from her push toy.  No regard for personal safety.

One more funny little tidbit. You know those obnoxious little Japanese beetles that are everywhere….. The ones that look like ladybugs. Ava decided to further revolt against her vegetarian diet and try to eat one. I pulled it out of her mouth and she could not have been more offended.  I immediately read her the book That's Why We Don't Eat Animals, and we apologized to the poor Japanese beetle that she crushed to death with her gums. I am pretty sure she understood and won't do it again.

Dress Up

What Ava and I do when we are bored on a Friday afternoon. What you can't see is the ridiculous tutu that I talked her into wearing. Well, you can kinda see it in the first picture. I had to take it off though, because the cats thought she was a giant cat toy….

Fridays with Kevin

Kevin had such a great sense of humor by the age of two. He thought this was so funny.  I remember him wearing those flannel PJ's like it was yesterday….

What is Wrong with This Picture?

So, I didn't take this picture, Matt did. Apparently, he thought it was funny that I was toting around vodka in the diaper bag. Actually it is a pretty innocent story. We were at my mom's having dinner and she gave me this lovely bottle of organic vodka because it gives her a headache. Funny, I will drink it because I have a headache…

P.S. I hope no one worries that I drink too much…in reality I drink less than the Pope… he has wine daily, right?

Tuesday Random

Ava is nowhere close to sleeping through the night. She is up every few hours and wants to nurse to go back to sleep.  I have done some research and decided that cry it out is not for us. We co sleep and I nurse her on demand. But son of a gun, I am TIRED! Matt usually gets up with her at 6:30 and lets me sleep until he leaves for work at 8:00. Bless him. I would not be sane if it was not for that hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep.  I purchased two books The No Cry Sleep Solution and The No Cry Nap Solution. We'll see how it goes.

Went to therapy yesterday. I really feel that I am making some progress in dealing with my anxiety. Many of my issues stem from the time around Kevin's death. I dealt with anxiety/ depression before that but it got more severe after he died. I find myself stuck in the traumatic events of that time and I am unable to break free of the hurt, anger, fear, and disappointment that I felt in the days and months after his death. The sadness is still here and I am sure that it always will be. I am ok with sadness. I would like to get the other things under control. The tools I am learning to be able to deal with my feelings are actually working. I always thought that visualization and things like that were corny- but it actually works. I am gaining the confidence to be able to handle any situation regardless of what someone says or does. I am sure that this probably makes no sense- let's just say therapy is a good thing.

I am struggling with maintaining an exercise plan. I just have no motivation. Matt tries to gently encourage me and I know I should be walking/jogging. I keep waiting for this magic switch to flip and I will be instantly motivated. I have a strong suspicion that it does not work that way.

We used the reward points on our credit card to get a Dyson vacuum cleaner. I was completely disgusted by all the hair/dirt that was in the canister after vacuuming the living room. eeeewww!

I will leave you with what I said to my precious baby this morning, "So help me, Ava, if you bite my nipple one more time I will wean you!"

Water park Fun

This past weekend we went to the water park for a weekend of waterslide fun. No, I did not go down the waterslide, but Matt did. I had to tell him that his leopard print Speedo was not appropriate though….

Fridays with Kevin

I needed a dose of that big smile today.

Eight Months

I didn't realize that Ava was eight months old today until late this afternoon. Yes, I am mother of the year…

At eight months old Ava weighs close to twenty pounds and is wearing 9-12 month clothes.

She is still nursing and will take a bottle if I am not around and there is no alternative. She does let whoever is giving the bottle know that she is not pleased. She continues to do well with table food- the only thing she has refused is tomatoes. She still has just the two lower front teeth. She has bit me several times while nursing- I give her a stern no and she laughs…

Her attitude… well, lets just say that her nickname is the magnificent turd. She spends her day trying to get into everything that she shouldn't. She laughs when we say no and crawls faster when I am trying to get to her. She has no fear and will pull herself up on anything.  She is a happy baby and we love her to pieces, turdness and all.

Locks of Love

Emily decided that once again she would like to donate 12 inches of her hair to Locks of Love.  She has been growing out her hair for about two years since the last time she donated. I could tell she was nervous- nothing like putting your hair in a pony tail and cutting it all off… She, of course, looks adorable with her new shorter hair and she is already planning to grow it out to donate again.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Thank you to my Grandma for the adorable bib!

Food Revolution

So excited for this. Sneak preview this Sunday. Yes, I am a complete nerd.

Case of the Mondays

So I have learned that going out on a Saturday night followed by four hours of sleep and a time change is not a good idea.  Last night I went to bed early hoping for a restful nights sleep. Ava decided that 3:00 a.m. would be a good time to play. This morning I had that kind of tired where every muscle in your body feels weak and is screaming for sleep. I had that "I have had no sleep please don't $#!% with me" look on my face and I could tell Matt was choosing his words carefully, poor guy.  I seriously considered making some coffee and was mentally picking out which liqueur I would add to it. I made a green smoothie and gagged on that instead.

I looked at the calendar and it said " Stretch and Strengthen." Ummm, yeah… ok. Why does Matt put these things on the calendar. Does he not know that I will tease him endlessly?  It is like he asks for it. Awhile back I was giving him a hard time for not working out. I know, I have no right to criticize anyone for their exercise habits… Anyway, he got all defensive and in a slightly shrill voice exclaimed, "I do push-ups on Tuesdays!"  I like to re enact that moment often, I know that he appreciates it.

I am hoping I can muster up enough energy to get outside for a walk and enjoy this beautiful weather. Or at the very least head out to the driveway at 4:30 and drink a beer while I wait for Matt to get home…..

Speechless

Once again my husband has left me without words and not in a good way….

Must Be Doing Something Right

Here is our student of the week. Emily has been waiting to be student of the week for most of her school career. She was nominated by her teacher. She had her name announced over the loud speaker and some of her favorite things were put in the display case in the lobby of the grade school.

 

So there you have it- I'm not totally screwing her up…..

Fridays with Kevin

Kevin loved to "read." He would look so engrossed in whatever it was. A lot of the time he would flip through and find people in the ads and tell us who he thought they were. In the ad below he pointed to it and said, "Mommy!" He had a sly grin on his face so he knew he was being funny.

Learning Process

A few weeks ago I started seeing a new therapist. One that specializes in some of the issues that I am dealing with.  I don't think it is any coincidence that my "funk" started around the same time. I call it a funk, but it is depression.

I have dealt with mild to moderate depression since my teen years. Anxiety was and still is big part of my life as well. In my teen years is when I started to put on weight. I always knew that I used food as a drug. My therapist has explained the physiological response to food that I was taking advantage of to control my feelings.

So it goes a little something like this: I have anxiety about something- it can be anything. My mind is going a mile a minute and I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I don't know what to do with myself. I eat. The simple act of digestion triggers my brain to have feelings of calm. The anxious feelings die down. I have read a lot about food addiction and how the body reacts to certain trigger foods- sugar, wheat, fat, salt, etc… But I guess I never realized that I was using the natural and simple act of digestion to control my anxiety. The brain is funny that way.

I am learning many useful ways to come to terms with how I deal with my feelings. Basically, I can't run from them. I can't use food to make them go away. It works temporarily, but just makes things worse in the long run. I am learning to be in tune with my body and pay attention to when and where I feel certain things. Concentrate on the part of my body where I feel it and just focus on it. Don't run, don't eat, just focus.

At first I thought this was kind of stupid. Here I was in the therapist's office sitting in silence concentrating on my shoulders because that is what felt really tense after talking about a certain event. I sat for probably a minute or so and really focused on the uncomfortable feelings in my body and waited to see what would come of it. My first instinct when I feel anxious, depressed, or uncomfortable with something is to make those feelings go away. Makes sense, right? Why keep those things around any longer than you have to. I am learning if I really concentrate on those feelings and not worry about getting rid of them that I can overcome it.

For example, a week or so ago I was feeling very anxious. I wasn't sure why. Often anxiety strikes me and I don't have a particular reason, it is just there. I sat down, closed my eyes and really focused on my physical body. Where was I feeling it? Did my arms feel numb? Were my legs tingly? Was there a part of my body that felt calm or neutral? My feet. Ok. Let's concentrate on my feet.

Instead of running to the refrigerator to calm my anxiety and trying to make it go away, I focused on it. Made friends with it, kind of. Hung out with it for awhile to see what it was going to do.

My therapist is really good at picking up on my physical cues. She seems to know when I am talking about something and we need to stop and take note of how my physical body is reacting. I have told myself that I am not upset or anxious about certain events because I don't want to be upset or anxious about it. But she can see by my physical cues that it is something that I need to come to terms with. It can be something as simple as crossing my arms or shifting the way I am sitting on the couch.

She asked me to describe how I felt when I am feeling depressed. I feel the very opposite of when I am feeling anxious. My mind is very slow and sluggish. I worry about nothing. Physically I feel like I am wearing one of those lead aprons that you have to put on for an x-ray- but my apron is a full body one.

I am learning how to not spend my time at opposite ends of the spectrum. Being anxious is at the high end and depression at the low end. Somewhere in between is where I need to be.

My weight has stayed the same for about three weeks. I am still following the same eating habits, but I have not fully committed to exercising. I have signed up for a 5k in April and am "training" for that. Progress is slow, but it is there.

It is hard to let myself believe that this could really be it. This could really be the path to coming to terms with the anxiety and depression that has plagued me for years. I have to stay the course and trust the professionals that know what is best for me even if I don't always believe it.

Playtime

Ava has two new favorite things: a damp washcloth that she drags around everywhere and cardboard boxes. She loves to get into the kitchen drawer with all of the dish towels and play with them. Makes her downright giddy.

I try to sit down with her and play with her toys. I even put them in the cardboard box.  She gives me a look like the one in the first picture, crawls off and does something else.

I think it is a sign of extreme intelligence….Yeah, that's it…

I'll Wash Your Mouth Out!

This is what happens when you accidently let the F bomb slip out in front of your 10 year old. No worries, I was not angry or yelling. More like the Schwan's man was at the door, I was busy and out of nowhere I said, " Oh, F*@#!" Emily insisted that I be punished…..

Say it isn't So

Our Sophie has a problem. I am afraid it will start to affect her self esteem if we don't do something about it. Can't you tell by this picture how concerned she is?

See, in the winter Sophie refuses to go down the stairs out to the yard. We have this obnoxious cast iron spiral staircase that the previous owners thought was a great idea to put in. Clearly they did not have pets, kids, or a sense of style, but I digress….. So she just goes out on the deck and does her business out there. Yes, it grosses me out, but what can I do? In previous years she would go down the stairs as long as they were cleared off, but this year she flat out refuses. It seems her neurosis about things are getting worse, lucky us.  Apparently, a few months of no exercise leads to an obese dog.

You have heard about Sophie's ass on fire dance. Well, she also has an ass on fire run. She will do laps around the yard at full speed for no reason at all. It is like she channels her inner greyhound. It is truly hilarious to watch and I am guessing it was the key to her trim figure.

So what to do? I thought about having a chat with her, but she is deaf and I don't think I know enough sign language to get my point across. I mean, I know she doesn't want to look like a sausage on legs, but is she willing to do the work to get the weight off?  I am hoping once it warms up a bit she will be more willing to use the stairs and won't make me have to let her out thru the garage every time she need to go outside- because, well… that sounds like a lot of work.

We could try the treadmill… or I could take her for walks. Nothing like walking the neighborhood with a stroller, a deaf neurotic Boxer, carrying a bag of poo…..

Maybe I can convince Matt that we need a new deck and we can put a ramp in for Sophie…. Ok, that makes me giggle just thinking about it.