Seeking Help

I have learned over the years that, often, problems on the surface are just a symptom of a larger problem that lies just below. People that are angry, for example, are likely just scared, unloved, or self conscious. People that make fun of others may just have a low self-esteem. People that rely on material items for happiness may not know any other way. Yes, often things are not as they appear.

I have openly discussed my issues with my weight that began in childhood. Binging and severe restriction of food were a way of life for me. Clearly underlying problems existed, problems that were so deep that even those close to me had no idea.

I have finally admitted that I need medical help to deal with my depression. That diet and exercise, while huge factors in getting better, will not "cure" me. Taking medication is hard for me. It is difficult to admit that you have a disease, a mental one at that, and medication is needed to regulate your mood.

When you look at my medical history it is clear that I have been depressed since my early teens.  Weight gain, excessive sleeping, anxiety, feeling like lead weights are attached to my arms and legs- all symptoms of depression. 

I have taken medication in the past. I don't think(in fact, I know) it wasn't the right one and instead of feeling better I felt nothing. My feelings were deadened. I would rather be depressed than feel like that. My lack of success with medication contributed to the belief that maybe I wasn't depressed and there was just something inherently wrong with me. Maybe I was just lazy and unmotivated- and there wasn't anything that could be done.

A few months ago, Matt took the initiative to do some research on depression. After watching me struggle for years he was determined to find some answers for me and help me figure out what path I needed to be on. He did all this without me knowing. He learned that there are many types of depression and that certain types are often misdiagnosed. People can go for years without the proper treatment because depression is often very misunderstood.

I am smart, capable, articulate, social, and a good mom. I also suffer from depression. The kind that knocks the wind out of your sails for days at a time. The kind that leaves you in bed sobbing and you don't know why. The kind that makes you beg your husband to leave you and find a wife that he deserves. But Matt, thank God, knew that wasn't what I really wanted. I was just looking for some relief to the feelings I was having.

Depressed people are not lazy, unmotivated, or uneducated. I am very aware the the feelings(both emotional and physical) I am having are not logical. The awareness of that makes it even worse. I couldn't reconcile that I hated feeling this way and I knew that it was not right, but I had no way of making it go away.

Matt sought out some recommendations for doctors that he thought were most qualified to help. The fact that he did all this makes me want to cry. I am very lucky that I married someone that takes his commitment as a life partner so seriously. As I listened to him tell the doctor that he wants to see me not struggle so much, to live life the way that I long to, to feel normal- It took everything in me to not start sobbing.

The doctor listened to my symptoms, ordered some blood work, and started me on a medication(a different class that I have ever taken) that he feels will work for me. I also ordered a light to start light therapy every morning. Winter, due to the lack of light, can be very difficult for people that suffer from depression. I also have an appointment with a new counselor.

I am hoping that these things are the path to feeling better. Fixing or managing the problem that lies below the surface is the only way to fix the problems residing above. My heart truly goes out to everyone that suffers from depression. Especially those that don't have the means- be it financial or lack of support, to seek help.

I don't know where I would be without Matt's support, unconditional love, and determination. He is an exceptional human being and inspires me to get well. Life is all about journeys. I hope this one is the one I have been waiting for, the one that I have desperately needed for so long.