Parade Watcher

I think I have posted this picture before, but I love it so I am posting it again. Kev loved parades. The fire trucks, floats, and especially the suckers.

Tank of Death

We started out with 25+ goldfish. The current count is 8. We knew that the water cycle would kill fish, but I am getting tired of being the Grim Reaper with a fish net retrieving the dead bodies. I do say a few words before their burial at sea in the septic tank. I am looking forward to stable water, beautiful fish, and not experiencing a wave of trauma every time the toilet flushes.

Quiet

I have been quiet lately, I know. I am struggling to maintain normalcy and sometimes it takes all I have to accomplish that. It seems that the blanket of grief that normally descends on me and lasts a few weeks at a time has decided to stay. I am tired. I am sad. I am not sure where it goes from here.

I think as it gets close to the four year anniversary of Kevin's death I am panicked a bit. Panicked because I should be healed more than I am. I feel different than I did four years ago, but no better. The pain and grief is just below the surface. A never-ending lump in my throat that shows no signs of leaving.

I wonder if something is wrong with me. Like I should have got my shit together by now.  I still sometimes feel that there is a thick piece of glass between me and the rest of the world. I am standing behind it watching, wishing I could join in.

To be perfectly honest. I feel hopeless a lot of the time. I am not sure how much of that is depression and how much is grief, I am sure it is some of each.

For some reason the horrible night that Kevin died has been replaying in my mind. The code being called over the loud speaker, the thump of the defibrillator as the doctors tried to restart his heart, the look of fear and hopelessness in his pediatricians eyes…. It is all still there, and replays like it was yesterday. I am not sure why I do this, probably some form of self torture.

There have been days in the past where I feel a little bit of peace in regards to Kevin's death. I cling to those days- they give me hope that I will, someday, be okay again.

Knight in Shining Armor

It's not often that you get a picture of a large pile of dog vomit texted to you. While waiting for my doctor appointment to begin I was alerted to the crisis going on at home. The following account of Matt's time at home with Ava and the animals was taken from his Facebook status.

 

In order to dispel any notion that my life is "awesome", and in order to make your day seem better, I offer the following "hilarious" story about my "glamorous" life...
I came home from work for a couple hours to watch Ava while dawn went to an appointment. While in the living room watching Ava use the cushion-less couch as a trampoline, I heard a big gush of water hit the floor in the kitchen. Curious, since only Sophie was in there.

I investigate and find the biggest circle of dog vomit I have ever seen. I'm talking 4 ft diameter. And some of it had gone under the stove. What made her vomit? Based on the contents, it must have been the chicken "waste" that she feasted on last night after finding her way back to the chicken area of our yard at 2:30am.

Delightful.

While using up over a roll of paper towels to clean up, Ava announced "oh no, I peed!" She had been wearing "big girl" underwear in our ongoing attempt to get her to use the potty. So she stood by the refrigerator over a lake of piss, which must have scared her because she started running across the kitchen and peeing the whole way. Now the kitchen was covered in vomit and piss. Fantastic.
In the final act, as I got everything cleaned up and got the Shark out to steam mop the floor, Ava once again decided to pee all over the kitchen floor. In the corner that somehow had remained untouched until now. And halfway under the table.

Epilogue: kitchen is cleaned and disinfected. Ava is wearing a diaper. Chicken gate will remain closed. Sophie will get no eye contact for a week. Dawn will be home in 15 minutes, and I will return to work.

My life is glamorous.

See why I married this man?!?

Budding Photographer

I was busy doing a few chores this past Friday so Emily dressed Ava up and took her outside to take a few pictures of her. 96 pictures to be exact. This was my favorite, dirty face and all.

Goings On

Ava enjoyed the warm temps while there was still snow on the ground. I am thrilled that I procrastinated long enough that it was 40 degrees when we finally built a snowman. He didn't last long, of course.

I promised Ava we would make another snowman when it snows again. Meanwhile we will continue to enjoy these spring like temps in February.

Emily was injured in basketball on Tuesday.  She took a head to the eye. It is a doozy.

This was taken with my cell phone at the doctor's office. I don't think it accurately shows the multiple shades of purple that are forming.  The swelling has gone down some, but she will be stuck wearing glasses for a few days at least. Glasses and a black eye…. and she still went to school willingly. She's a trooper.

We are eating vegan(no animal products) for three weeks. This was Emily's idea and I think it is a good one. If anything it makes us think about what we are putting in our mouths and where it comes from. On the menu tonight…. Vegan steaks with gravy.

All of our goldfish are still alive.

Our cat went to the vet and is being treated for what we think is heart failure. He is 14 and doing well on the meds.  Smoke started coming out of Matt's ears when I told him how much our field trip to the vet was. As I broke down the cost it went something like this:

Me:  Well… you have x rays, blood work. heartworm test, feline leukemia test, looks like a test for feline AIDS

Matt: Feline AIDS?!!

Me: Yes, chances are slim to none that he would have it.

Matt: $85 for a test for feline AIDS?!?!

Me: Yeah, I guess. Sigh.

So now, we measure the cost of everything in feline AIDS tests. For example, we can eat out twice for the price of a feline AIDS test.  Awesome.